A Truly Introvert-Friendly Space
Fergus Brooks-Starks
I read this thing that was all like “make a party nicer for introverts by putting some chairs in pairs” and I’m all like, but wait why am I at a party to begin with? We’ve got some deeper ideas about introvert-friendly spaces.
Let’s start off by saying: Introverts are not quiet.
An introvert will talk your ear off.
No, no, not small talk.
As Jude says, introverts will be “debating the merits of lesbian alt-country in a post-feminist neoliberal world”, or, “is the collective unconscious something outside of our own personal psychology and if so are the gods dickish assholes bullying us towards wholeness?”.
Not “what did you do on the weekend” stuff.
So here, we set up the norms such that there is no expectation for small talk. You can do this by saying “there is no expectation for small talk”, simply not allowing talk in certain spaces, having informal or formal space (quiet room, chill room, etc) for people to hide before or after events, or providing time or prompts to go deep quickly.
Bonus related norms:
Don’t learn people’s names!
“I want you to get to the end of this entire month long series and still not know peoples names” - get to know other things about each other!
We also like to ask ourselves:
Is this introvert friendly or just bodies friendly?
Everyone is too close together all the time.
You can test this with a pal (or even a tree pal)!
Notice that you have to back up quite far away from each other to take a smooth breath in, and to be able to let any tension in your chest and belly go.
How on earth could we be expected to share something vulnerable or meaningful with strangers at an event or the way classrooms, conferences, PFLAG, NA meetings are set up.
No one is being themselves, everyone is rocking a weirdo persona because how could you do anything else? You can’t even seem to breathe right.
So as a bonus norm: we love having tons of space between chairs, and telling people they can sit on the floor, stand, stretch, whatever (but don’t let that one white guy stand at the back with his arms crossed, just tell him no, you’re welcome to explain why).
And last but perhaps of most importance: If I say people can pass, I make sure to mean it.
If no one is passing, I model passing - when it comes time for me to share, I say “pass”.
Another thing that gets a lot of smiles is if nobody shares. More than normalizing, celebrating! “Heck yeah! You trusted the norms, this is so Emberwood, nobody shared!” We often say the things unsaid are in this circle too, and important.
Sometimes they smile and nod but since even that cultural expectation is slashed in the norms, others can look downright pissed and grumpy if not neutral, which can also come across as negative.
Yet you wouldn’t believe how many of these resting-grumpy-face people come up to me after and share what a profound life changing experience they just had.
The risk and fear of silence is worth it. We have continued feedback that this is the only space folks have ever been where to pass felt real, where there were truly no expectations, where they could really be themselves.
We also offer related norms:
A norm that this is a place for you to receive rather than give means you don’t have to do the emotional labour of helping the facilitator by sharing
A norm about not having to “pay attention” means you never have to worry about eye contact if a sharing time is coming up
This deep space is great for introverts. It still allows for lots of community time for extroverts. It’s great for all sorts of neurodivergent brains. It’s great for everybody. Imagine you are a participant and these norms are shared at the beginning, and you believed they meant it.
Welcome to Emberwood.